Wednesday, 25 March 2015


I have read the PubMed and trainers articles in abundance.  Sat for hours poring over various books telling me which foodstyle life is the best.  I have lived the raw food lifestyle, the vegan lifestyle, the low protein high carb.  I then moved on to try low carb high protein, caffeine fuelled lifestyle.  However,  I have been studying food and its effects on the body for over 5 years and one thing that I keep on hearing/reading is that our bodies shout out at certain times depending on what it needs.

Here I have a huge, nay, brobdingnagian problem with this.  My mind and my body seem to have fallen out.  My mind and my body do not speak.  It is either that or I have a mute body or just a really loud mind. 

When I am afflicted by any ailment such as a cold (which I am nearly dead with as I write), my body seems to be coughing and producing snot, but my mind is screaming:

"EAT CAKE! YOU NEED CAKE (oh and probably some wine gums)".

I cough and splutter and wheeze a bit more and my mind then shouts

"BACON.  THAT'LL CURE YOU, BACON THEN CAKE (oh and probably some wine gums)"

My Question:

Is my mind trying to kill me?  Have I got, instead of a champion of self preservation, some ethereal rogue assassin going from brain to brain popping off people who float, seemingly automatically, toward any cake aisle (or wine gums)?

My Brilliant Theory:

Maybe all these professionals should rephrase.  Our bodies are dumb, mute, speechless and silent witnesses.  Our bodies do not get on with our minds.  I would go so far as to say they totally and utterly ignore each other when we are having our mad, bad food cravings. 

Our bodies do not tell us what food does, it has surpassed speech.  Speech to the body is so yesterday.  The body realises we don't listen and just moved swiftly to "LOOK YOU IDIOT!"

My body is BRILLIANT at showing symptoms of bad eating.  Hell if medals and pointy shiny hats were made to celebrate such a thing my house would be resplendent in hats and badges galore! 

After coffee/wheat/having a cold my eyes do the *wrinkle, crinkle, sag, *

wrinkly, crinkly eyes

If I don't drink enough fresh water my body will, knowing my vanity, just age my face by 2000 years.  As my Nana used to say "Pfff that'll learn you" (she was a strong woman who had no need of grammar!)

My respiratory system quite blatantly heaves and disallows any decent training if I perchance on wheaty badness.

My belly will go onto auto bloat should me and cake party.

Sleep is a thing that will not happen if I have raw cacao drinks after 4 pm.

I say this people.  Don't try to LISTEN to your body,
just look at the bloody thing


  • when you stop jumping up and down your body doesn't for another few seconds
  • your skin is covered in oily pimples
  • you are bloated
  • you have nail fungus
  • you have so many bags under your eyes Alexander Wang wants to sponsor you
  • your skin is 50 shades of grey and definitely not sexy
  • your eyes are not bright and clear 
  • you look 700 millenia older than you should
  • ad infinitum stuff  . . 

This is your body showing you that things are going awry.  THIS is your body transcending the barriers of speech and shoving FACTS in your face.

To conclude

Stop trying to get your mind to tell you what to do as your mind just wants cakes (and wine gums).  
Look at what your body is actually showing you.

fuck off mind!

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